I recently ate a Choco Taco.
Now I know what you're thinking “Jade, they stopped making Choco Tacos in 2022, did you unbury one in your freezer? If so that's disgusting."
No. No. No.
It was nothing like that.
Because in Portland they have been reborn.
And I had no idea that getting your hands on one was going to be so difficult probably because we just walked into Salt & Straw and grabbed one or three.
But this isn't meant to be completely about the Choco Taco- instead it's about a meme I saw over the holidays that said “We have angered the gods. Bring back the Choco Taco. Play music videos on MTV again. Make movies under 120 minutes. Do history on the history channel. Only make cake out of cake. Stop making me sign into an app just to dim my lights. We must atone.”
And it's true we must atone.
We have angered the marketing gods- the signs are unmistakable: our last campaign had a 0.8% engagement rate. The client call was supposed to be 30 minutes but turned into a two-hour existential crisis about brand positioning.
Effective immediately, I am implementing the following corrective measures to restore balance to our marketing efforts:
URGENT INITIATIVES:
Bring Back the Choco Taco (Your Former Campaign Win) – Someone go dig through the case studies folder. Remember when we used to launch that simple, straightforward campaign that actually resonated? That had ONE clear message? That didn't require three rounds of stakeholder approval? That's what we need now. Nostalgia sells, but so does clarity.
Create Content That Actually Gets Watched – Stop optimizing for algorithms you don't understand. Make ads people want to watch, not skip. Bring back the storytelling. Good music. Actual emotion. The gods (and your audience) remember when commercials were memorable- or at least what a commercial was.
Deliverables Under 120 Seconds – Your social media content should be snackable. Your video ads shouldn't require a commitment equivalent to watching a feature film. If your message can't land in two minutes, it's not sharp enough.
Cut the fluff. No one has an attention span for fluff.
Keep It Factual – Stop making up fake statistics to support your strategy. No "studies show" without an actual source. No "our data indicates" when you're just guessing. The History Channel learned this the hard way. Be the factual voice in a chaotic media landscape. It's more powerful than you think.
Authentic Products, Authentic Messaging – Only promote what you believe in. No disingenuous brand partnerships just to hit quarterly goals. No "we're so woke" campaigns that ring hollow. Give customers the real thing, not the substitute. Cake should taste like cake.
Stop Requiring an App – Every. Single. Thing. Does not need to live in a proprietary app or behind a login wall. Sometimes a good email, a website, or straightforward social media is enough. Don't create barriers between your brand and your audience just because you can. The user experience matters more than data collection. I'll say that part again. The user experience matters more than data collection.
Me and other marketing gods are tired. We're tired of campaigns that prioritize metrics over meaning. We're tired of strategies built on the latest trend instead of timeless principles. We're tired of complexity masquerading as innovation.
Business owners angered them by forgetting that the best marketing is simple, memorable, and human.
We must atone by returning to what actually works.
Which may also require a 90's reset.
This blog was sent via straightforward copy. No click-through optimization. No A/B tested subject lines designed to trigger FOMO. No tracking pixels beyond basic analytics. Just clear communication.